This Too Shall Pass

ahhh Wednesday -- all the crap of Monday with none of the originality. you know... this constant plodding on; hour onto hour, day onto day, is very tedious. when does Lay In The Bed All Day & Not Get Up-day come?

big weekends ahead! Russ's mom Gail & niece Courtney are coming down for the weekend. this will be the first time that Gail has ever come to visit us. hell, its the first time (that i know of) that Gail has ever gone to visit anyone. Russ is ecstatic; which makes me giddy. i'm hoping that she will start to visit on a semi-regular basis. i know that would mean the world to Russ.

and then there's next weekend. (LOL) my parents are coming down and bringing my sister AND her on-again/off-again boyfriend (or friend or whatever), Jason. for reasons all his own, Russ is absolutely against Jason coming here (which i totally respect.. although it would be easier to reconcile if it made the slightest bit of sense). but, again, that's next weekend.

the down side of this weekend's visit is that Courtney wants to get Gail out of the house because tomorrow would have been Ryan's 24th birthday. (ugh. how's that for a punch to the gut?) the year i turned 24 i spent an amazing summer doing Summerfest, i fell head-over-heels in love and got my heart broken, i graduated from college, and i got my first real job. i remember so much laughter and drama and angst and loneliness and looking back it all seems so long ago.

Ryan never got any of those things. as years passed i traveled the country. one night i met a great guy and (when i least expected it) fell in love. one day i realized i had found someone who loved me, always would, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. one morning i was shocked to realize i felt the same way! how do i get up every morning and put on a happy face knowing that Ryan and so many, many others will never have the chance to look back fondly on all that (which i'm beginning to realize is the BEST part).

what get's me through is my faith. i believe there is a God who loves us. i believe that he has a plan for our lives. i accept that, because He loves me, i don't have to understand that plan, much less "keep all the cars on the right road".

it all reminds me of one of my favorite things in the world: the Rube Goldberg machine. see? even though things seem random and senseless and stupid, i believe everything is part of this big, complex machine that ultimately makes good things happen. (eh, blame my Presbyterian upbringing)

to wit, watch and enjoy:

... To Say Goodbye

alright campers. we're here. i've made all the arrangements and (unless Russ AGAIN throws a wrench in my plans) we are headed to Hayden early tomorrow to be there when Ryan comes home. the rep from the crematorium will be delivering his ashes to Gail's house.

Russ is wearing the Brave face. he insists he has no desire to wander around and touch Ryan's things or hold the urn and wail and cry. (am i supposed to believe this??) i am, however, preparing for full-on wretched anguish.truly, has anyone in the world ever been prepared to hold the remains of their only child in their hands? (hell, i'm tearing up at the thought!)

it's been a long, winding road from that day i first met that grinning twelve year old. (forgive my waxing metaphoric, but...) there have been some really high mountains to get over and some deep, dark valleys i thought we would never make it through. but now comes the hardest part of the journey -- the part we never prepared for -- going on without him ...

Steadily Does The Mule Walk The Mule Path

i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him i love him I'M GONNA KILL HIM i love him i love him i love him

so, i rented a car on Thursday. my parents took off from work and drove down from Atlanta to sit with Grannie. all set. ready to go. found a hotel close by. got the money for the trip. all set? ready to go?

we talk it over. Russ wants to wait. its still too raw. it would be too  hard for him to be there in Warrior with his Mom, surrounded by Ryan's things and pictures of Ryan. i agree. i understand. 

only a year ago???

i don't think it would be good for Russ to stay there at her house. i urge him to bring her down here with us for a week. get her away and give them time to grieve together. he agrees. 

days come and days go by. his family calls; begging, bawling, bullying. Russ wavers. "i gotta go." then "i just can't handle it." then "we just have to go." then "we'll go once everyone has had time to settle down." ok, whatever you need...

until Sunday. after my parents leave for Atlanta and all the travel money is gone, Russ decides. he needs to get this behind him. he needs to be there for his Mom. he wants to be there when Ryan's ashes are delivered. he's going to go Monday morning, spend the night, pack up Ryan's room, and come home Tuesday night -- regardless. (right, right. sure you will...) of course, i can't go and leave Grannie here alone.

um, what happened here?? how is it that i'm now going to stay home with Grannie while Mr. I-Have-An-Expired-Driver's-License drives up to Warrior for two days in the rental car i rented??? and i'm a selfish bitch for having a problem with this!

now, it's Monday. Ryan's ashes won't be delivered until Wednesday. the rental car is due back today. and i'm still following the Mule down his Mule Path....

How Can I Help You ..

well, last night it happened. you know it might but you never think .... Russ's son, Ryan, is dead. he was 24.

Russ is so completely devastated. we just cried together for a long time. (even for a mouthy little bitch like me, sometimes there are just no words.) then we did shots and then we just laid in bed trying to sleep.

what do you say to someone you love when they lose a child? how do you comfort someone when they hurt that much? it's just freakin' unreal.

whatever you believe, i hope you will pray for him -- send him love and strength. 

The Empty Bed - or - The Spring Break Saga Continues

Tuesday morning and still no Ryan. 

This is Ryan.

Ryan has been living with us since October. he's Russ's son. he was only 13 when i first met him and he scared the beejeezus out of me. i desperately wanted him to like me but (from what i knew) Russ had only just come out to him (because of our relationship). your dad being gay is a lot for a kid to digest without the strange guy he's now living with. 

miraculously, it worked out. Ryan was a really cool kid. he seemed to just roll with it. somehow we just met each other in the middle -- two people who both loved his Dad and figuring it all out a day at a time. cool, huh?

(in the right romantic comedy this would be where the movie ended and you'd be free to go off imagining the three of them living happily ever after as some post-nuclear American family. in my mind that's exactly what happened... but Real Life is a little messier.)

due to a ... Series of Unfortunate Events, Russ and i ended up homeless and drifting. we left Ryan with Russ's mom - back in Warrior where we'd taken him from. he was back in the same school and the same church with all his old friends. he was with his Granny and Russ's brother was close by to fill in if need be. we thought we were sparing him the hassle as we bounced around til we found our place here in Pensacola. 

looking back i wish we'd done it differently. those years were tough and filled with drama as it was. i don't know how the three of us would have made it. maybe we wouldn't have. but you can't shake everything up and then set it back down and expect it to be the same.

Ryan was now back in Hayden without his dad -- and it got around that it was because his dad had "turned gay" and ran off. Russ was now living without his son and feeling like a failure and a deadbeat. i was now carrying the guilt of tearing Russ away from his home and his family. ain't Love grand?

almost ten years later, Ryan is out of control and Russ's mom is exhausted. we had just had my sister and then my niece and her two year old living with us while they got on their feet. yet, we both welcomed the opportunity to have him back in the picture.

almost six months later, things have not gone well. after many emotionally bloody skirmishes we were all living bruised and battle-shocked when Spring Break rolled around. Ryan, with no job to tie him down but no money either, conned Russ out of $40 and caught a ride to Panama City Beach with friends. the "elephant in the room" was: was he coming back here? if so, when? and what were we going to do then?? 

he was supposed to be back Sunday. instead he started calling Russ and his Granny asking for money for food and then for gas to come home. needless to say, there have been incessant phone calls -- many ending with shouting and hang-ups. last i heard, Ryan was somewhere outside of Montgomery (supposedly) and Russ had that angry locked jaw that says i'm sitting on a time bomb and the fuse is burning.

Now, it's Tuesday morning and still no Ryan.