What You See Is What You Get

Ladies, Ladies! if you are engaged, living together, seriously dating -- whatever! please take a hard look at that man you are planning on spending the rest of your life with. that man, in all his imperfect glory, is all that you can ever hope for. no amount of love or dedication or patience or nagging or time is going to change him, his attitudes, his habits, or his friends. do you hear what i'm telling you?

let me tell you a little story. when Russ and i first started dating, i bowled every week in a gay bowling league. of course, i invited him to come bowl with us. well, he did and there was an open spot for him to bowl with us; but, of course, he did not have a pair of socks with him. so i suggested he take my credit card (wtf?? i know right?) and go across the parking lot to buy some socks.

what i meant was go across the parking lot to the K-Mart and buy a cheap pack of socks for bowling. is that what the bitch did? oh no. he came back with two pair of Polo socks from Parisian's.

hello? this instant was a microcosm of our entire life together. everything i needed to know about our financial life together was encapsulated in that one moment.

Russ and i have now been together for almost 15 years. today he wrote a $20 bad check to the grocery store. let me clarify - he wrote a $20 bad check on an account that is currently $200 overdrawn to buy cigarettes and wine. yet, i have absolutely no right to bitch.

the man i fell in love with, so many years ago, is still the same. he is wonderful, caring, loving, affectionate, and spoils me like no other man ever would. he would also pawn a $250 gold ring to buy a $20 bottle of gin.

so? almost two decades wiser, what's my advice? simply this: love and cherish that man with all your heart. embrace his weaknesses and appreciate his strengths. he has both.

realize that NO relationship (absolutely NO relationship) is perfect. now ask yourself; honestly, would you be better without him? if not then pray, Pray, PRAY that he does the same for you.

smooches all! here's hoping that the worst that ever happens only serves to open your eyes to all the blessings you take for granted every day.

SJ

... To Say Goodbye

alright campers. we're here. i've made all the arrangements and (unless Russ AGAIN throws a wrench in my plans) we are headed to Hayden early tomorrow to be there when Ryan comes home. the rep from the crematorium will be delivering his ashes to Gail's house.

Russ is wearing the Brave face. he insists he has no desire to wander around and touch Ryan's things or hold the urn and wail and cry. (am i supposed to believe this??) i am, however, preparing for full-on wretched anguish.truly, has anyone in the world ever been prepared to hold the remains of their only child in their hands? (hell, i'm tearing up at the thought!)

it's been a long, winding road from that day i first met that grinning twelve year old. (forgive my waxing metaphoric, but...) there have been some really high mountains to get over and some deep, dark valleys i thought we would never make it through. but now comes the hardest part of the journey -- the part we never prepared for -- going on without him ...

How Can I Help You ..

well, last night it happened. you know it might but you never think .... Russ's son, Ryan, is dead. he was 24.

Russ is so completely devastated. we just cried together for a long time. (even for a mouthy little bitch like me, sometimes there are just no words.) then we did shots and then we just laid in bed trying to sleep.

what do you say to someone you love when they lose a child? how do you comfort someone when they hurt that much? it's just freakin' unreal.

whatever you believe, i hope you will pray for him -- send him love and strength. 

I'm Not Lucky

'k. PERSONAL RANT TIME. people keep saying "you're so lucky!" and it's pissing me off. 

everyone thinks that: i've got this great guy who just adores me. that Russ does everything for me. that my parents pay my bills. and that i just sit around the house in my pajamas working on the computer. all of which is true ... but only to the extent that the National Enquirer would publish it.

the ugly truth (and no, i don't mean me before 10 AM)

• Russ IS a great guy, but he doesn't "adore" me. he loves me. truthfully, ask him and he'd probably say i was demanding, difficult, sassy, unreasonable, overly-dramatic, and can be surprisingly cruel. (and he's mellowed me A LOT!) but he loves me anyway -- even when i'm all those things. 
• Russ does not do "everything" for me. sure -- yes, he cleans the house, keeps up the yard, all the shopping, cooks, fixes my cocktails, brings me dinner, and loads & unloads the dishwasher. (oh, wait. that IS everything isn't it?) but, trust me, Russ only does what he WANTS to do. if he doesn't want to do something, no amount of ass shaking, eyelash batting, or verbal abuse will move him. he is as insurmountable and unmovable as a mountain ... and just as damn infuriating when what i want is on the other side.
• my parents DO NOT pay our bills. my Grannie does. (ha! so there!) she pays for us a place to live and for the utilities and in return we treat her like a queen. all things considered she much prefers being here with us to being in THE nursing home and -- trust me -- we earn every cent. (but, just between us? we are making out like bandits!! every time she laughs ... well, it is worth so much more than anything we ever do for her.)
• and, yes, i do spend the whole day in front of the computer in my pajamas. fact is, nothing else fits! besides, a) i still lack any sort of verbal filter to prevent saying whatever i think, b) i'm way too cranky and imperious to put up with on a day-to-day basis, and c) i'm DAMN GOOD at what i do.

the only things which fall from the sky are meteors and satellites

my point -- and i do have one -- is that i am not "lucky". i didn't make a wish in a fountain and have it all fall from the sky. i "kissed a lot of frogs" before i found Russ. i work hard everyday to make him happy. and Selfless Wonder Thing that he is, he can be just as demanding, just as difficult, equally unreasonable, soooo overly-dramatic, and cruel as i can. we don't so much stroll though life hand in hand as hold on to each other in the midst of a twister -- swearing all the while that nothing can tear us apart.

you keep waiting for everything you want to drop out of the sky and -- if you're lucky! -- it'll all fall on you at one time and smush you flat as a flitter.

i got what i got because i worked hard (sometimes at least), was good to people (everybody and not just people i wanted something from), and because i'm grateful EVERYDAY for all the love and support i have received from my family and my incredible friends. 

well, except for ...

My Precious Angel, Coco

i won't pretend i deserve the love of my dog. Miz Coco is ... well, everything i'm not. she is patient. she loves with an open heart. she is loyal beyond measure and forgiving beyond anything i would deserve. she is proof to me everyday that there is a God because he smiles at me through her loving eyes. i have never done anything to be deserving of that kind of love and i will never forget that.

My Better Half

Life is pretty darn amazing, you know? i'm sitting here watch my sweet husband talk with my Grannie as she eats her dinner. he went to the store and got her fried fish because it's her favorite, heated it in the oven, and plated it. now they're sitting in the sunshine on the back patio "having dinner together." i am appreciating it all through the window (as I much prefer to do when it comes to outside). 

all day today i have been soooooo tired. i've struggled to get work done. i have not picked up, cleaned up, or even showered. i'm blaming it on my allergies but it's quite possible i'm simply worthless. i guess we all have days like today. i wonder how other people manage. i can't imagine how people with kids do it. i guess we all get by on some mixture of ambition, determination, hope, and faith (not necessarily in that order!).

God knows i do. i couldn't do it without Russ and i'm not too proud to admit it. i can't imagine what i'd do without him. i don't ever want to find out. truthfully, i hate to imagine where i'd be without him. when we met i was on the fast track on a short road -- if you know what I mean.  he saved my life. He saved my life by sending him to me. i am truly blessed.


i chose this song for its lyrics. consider: 

You've got a way with me
Somehow you got me to believe
In everything that I could be
I've gotta say-you really got a way 
You've got a way it seems
You gave me faith to find my dreams
You'll never know just what that means
Can't you see... you got a way with me 

It's in the way you want me
It's in the way you hold me
The way you show me just what love's made of
It's in the way we make love 

You've got a way with words
You get me smiling even when it hurts
There's no way to measure what your love is worth
I can't believe the way you get through to me 

the thing is -- take the time to appreciate the people you love. enjoy the time you have with them. you can't know when you might have that time again or even if you ever will. so, here's my tribute to my wonderful husband. i guess I'll go ... *shudder* sit outside.