No One Wins All Time

i have always been bossy, even as a little kid, and i've only gotten bossier as i've gotten older. but then, everyone in my family is bossy. i mean it -- everyone. i suppose everyone can be at times, i just come from a family where intelligent, opinionated, outspoken, and frequently self-righteous is more common than brown hair.

this only serves to make me love Russ that much more. Russ is not bossy. he is whatever the exact opposite of bossy is. and living in the same household with me, my grandmother, my father, and my mother, it is not just a characteristic -- it's an evolutionary trait.

however, it frequently leads to widespread misconception. everyone seems to think i "rule" the household and that Russ does whatever i ask. to this i reply, "HA!" That would be the farthest thing from the truth.

we do what i want, eat what i want, go where i want only when it also pleases Russ -- or if he doesn't care either way. i am just very good at know which is which. i have also learned to pick my battles which, i am quite certain, is one of the main lessons to learn if you want a happy marriage.

for example, Russ LOVES to go. he's always on the go. he's cleaning the house or cooking Grannie dinner or going to the store for something or running out to pick up something. but if i ask him to go somewhere, you can hear tires screeching in space.

i have had to explain that a trip only counts as travel when it requires fresh underwear. and considering the amount of cajoling required for a night out, you would think it required the logistics of a Madonna tour; yet he suggests going to Hayden to see his mom (a 16 hour drive) at least once a week.

all you lonely single people, the next time you see a couple and feel pangs of jealousy, comfort yourself that neither of them has seen the movie of their choice without discussion, bargaining, compensation, guilt, or abandonment since they were ... well, you.

Is She Crazy? Senile? Or Just Messing With Me?

one of the biggest surprises that Life has had for me is to find myself caring for my grandmother. now we share every day together. i help her to the toilet, change stinky diapers (and if you've only done it for a baby -- you have NO idea), keep up with her medicines, and cook for her and feed her and put her to bed every night. 

-- let me just stop here to say that i absolutely could not do this without Russ. you just never think when you fall in love with someone, amidst all the hearts and flowers, that you will ever be wiping a relative's behind. yet he helps me sooo much, even taking over in the evenings once he gets home. during this last month while he's been dealing with Ryan's death there have been lots of times when he had neither the energy or the desire but he was still there. (i wish all those people who are against gay marriage could have spent one of those weeks with us!) --

but, anyway, my point is ... (wait, what was it again? oh yeah!) ... Granny comes up with some crazy ass shit. in the last 10 months she's had three UTI's. maybe that's my fault. (i draw the line at the hoo-hoo. c'mon people, she's my grandmother.) apparently an infection in the nethers plays havoc in the head.

she has come up some wild stuff. she's told me that she has been married three times. she called me Jennifer and when i asked if she'd changed my name; she said yes because "it suits me better." she insists that she's lost her purse and there is $6000 in it. (of course we looked!) 

sometimes i call her on it and when i do she laughs so hard i wonder if she's laughing or crying. the nursing home diagnosed her with dementia. i don't think so. i think its a combination of bored and sleeping a lot.

i know she loses track of time. just yesterday she told me we had to go shopping because she hadn't finished her Christmas shopping. she confuses what she's seen on tv or dreamed with reality. lol, we now restrict her viewing to GSN, Disney, The Waltons, and Little House On The Prarie (and even then we had problems after Carrie fell down that damn well).

the question is, how much of this is really just her messing with us? i know she does. as i said, i sometimes call her out on it and she finds it hysterically funny. in a way, i admire her for it. after all, at 92 what are you going to do for fun?

So, Goodbye Yukon Gold ...

so, yeah. if you've been with me on The Daily Plate then you know that i have really sucked at limiting my daily caloric intake. not that i'm terribly surprised. let's face it. if i was any good at dieting i would do it more often. still, i did lose 2 of the 9 pounds i gained in the first week...

anyway, it's become painfully obvious that i cannot keep my calories below 1600 per day AND eat and drink both. wth??? that's like "Sophie's Choice"! it's like asking me to choose between Britney & Ke$ha. (shudders)

hell, it's like telling me i have to choose between weight loss and my marriage; because, honestly?, have you eaten Russ's cooking??? and he brings the plate -- piled high with delicious smelling food -- to me at the computer. i don't even have to walk to the kitchen! (and you know how i feel about walking, right?) not to mention, how many times can i be expected to say "No" to the question, "honey, would you like a cocktail?"

so, i am headed back to the Atkins Diet. really i'm good with that. it should be the official diet of all homosexuals. (think about it -- lots of greasy meat, all the cocktails you can drink, and endless plates of tiny cheese cubes you can eat with rainbow colored toothpicks.) i have done the diet many times and always with success. you just can't argue with success ... or history ... especially not a history of success.

and this is just breakfast!

yes. i will miss you potatoes and cheese toast. i will yearn for pasta and rice. i will steal a lustful glance at the cakes and doughnuts as i pass hurriedly through the Winn Dixie bakery. but! i have an arsenal of low-carb recipes on The Daily Plate to battle my cravings. Russ is an awesome personal chef and loves to grill, broil, pan-sear, bake, or slow cook any and all kinds of meat at my request. (take that as you will.)

I'm Not Lucky

'k. PERSONAL RANT TIME. people keep saying "you're so lucky!" and it's pissing me off. 

everyone thinks that: i've got this great guy who just adores me. that Russ does everything for me. that my parents pay my bills. and that i just sit around the house in my pajamas working on the computer. all of which is true ... but only to the extent that the National Enquirer would publish it.

the ugly truth (and no, i don't mean me before 10 AM)

• Russ IS a great guy, but he doesn't "adore" me. he loves me. truthfully, ask him and he'd probably say i was demanding, difficult, sassy, unreasonable, overly-dramatic, and can be surprisingly cruel. (and he's mellowed me A LOT!) but he loves me anyway -- even when i'm all those things. 
• Russ does not do "everything" for me. sure -- yes, he cleans the house, keeps up the yard, all the shopping, cooks, fixes my cocktails, brings me dinner, and loads & unloads the dishwasher. (oh, wait. that IS everything isn't it?) but, trust me, Russ only does what he WANTS to do. if he doesn't want to do something, no amount of ass shaking, eyelash batting, or verbal abuse will move him. he is as insurmountable and unmovable as a mountain ... and just as damn infuriating when what i want is on the other side.
• my parents DO NOT pay our bills. my Grannie does. (ha! so there!) she pays for us a place to live and for the utilities and in return we treat her like a queen. all things considered she much prefers being here with us to being in THE nursing home and -- trust me -- we earn every cent. (but, just between us? we are making out like bandits!! every time she laughs ... well, it is worth so much more than anything we ever do for her.)
• and, yes, i do spend the whole day in front of the computer in my pajamas. fact is, nothing else fits! besides, a) i still lack any sort of verbal filter to prevent saying whatever i think, b) i'm way too cranky and imperious to put up with on a day-to-day basis, and c) i'm DAMN GOOD at what i do.

the only things which fall from the sky are meteors and satellites

my point -- and i do have one -- is that i am not "lucky". i didn't make a wish in a fountain and have it all fall from the sky. i "kissed a lot of frogs" before i found Russ. i work hard everyday to make him happy. and Selfless Wonder Thing that he is, he can be just as demanding, just as difficult, equally unreasonable, soooo overly-dramatic, and cruel as i can. we don't so much stroll though life hand in hand as hold on to each other in the midst of a twister -- swearing all the while that nothing can tear us apart.

you keep waiting for everything you want to drop out of the sky and -- if you're lucky! -- it'll all fall on you at one time and smush you flat as a flitter.

i got what i got because i worked hard (sometimes at least), was good to people (everybody and not just people i wanted something from), and because i'm grateful EVERYDAY for all the love and support i have received from my family and my incredible friends. 

well, except for ...

My Precious Angel, Coco

i won't pretend i deserve the love of my dog. Miz Coco is ... well, everything i'm not. she is patient. she loves with an open heart. she is loyal beyond measure and forgiving beyond anything i would deserve. she is proof to me everyday that there is a God because he smiles at me through her loving eyes. i have never done anything to be deserving of that kind of love and i will never forget that.

Homos In The Hood

This Is Why I'm Here

we live in, according to a real estate flyer i "found" when the house down the street was for sale, a "highly desirable neighborhood". it's true. it's a very nice neighborhood and all of the neighbors we've met have been lovely. 

still, i feel a certain pressure to keep it up and looking nice. luckily, i have a Russ for that! he handles the mowing, the raking, the pruning, blah, blah, blah. for my part, i appreciate. (ok. it's not a perfect system, but it works for us.)

recently, a new family rented the house to our right. we knew they had children immediately because they lined up just at the property line on moving day. from there they appeared to examine every inch of our yard and as much of the house as was visible through the windows.

this was a cause of concern to Russ. he couldn't understand nor did he appreciate the fascination. i personally dismissed it. after all, my "walk through the house naked" days are long behind me and all that looking didn't seem to be damaging anything.

"Good Fences Make Good Neighbors"

one of the best things about our house is a big, fenced-in backyard. it is where we spend most of our time. (now, by "we" i mean the royal "we" and not the more literal "we" that would require me to be ... you know, outside.) when we finish landscaping and decking, etc. it will be the showplace of the house. let me clarify: our six-foot-tall privacy fence fenced-in backyard. 

the new KND do not seem to understand its purpose. in less than a month we have retrieved four baseballs, a softball, and a football which somehow flew high enough and far enough to land in our backyard. out of concern for their lost sporting equipment (i'm sure) KND often stand on the wood piled against their side of the fence to stare over at us. now THIS i find disturbing.

"nothing to see here people! move along." 

just the other day Russ was cutting my hair. there i am, sitting on the back porch, shirtless, sipping my gin and tonic, getting a haircut, when three heads pop up along the fence. i ignored them. but then i made some completely innocent comment about the the rigidity of my nipples and he shushed me. 

i was indignant. i was shushed on my own back porch. was it not enough that i tolerate their impudent gaze while almost completely naked? must i also censor my hilarious comments? (seriously. i'm told i am hilarious.) i don't get it. he is giving me a haircut. you can see that at most any old Wal-Mart. why you got a scale a fence to ogle mine?

so, i'm currently seeking non-lethal methods of determent. any suggestions?

Chapter 11

today is our anniversary. well, kind of anyway. we first met in January of 2001. Russ gave me my wedding band on or around this date in 2001. and, on this date in 2004 we had our Holy Union, a commitment ceremony officiated by Pastor Jo Cristo of Holy Cross MCC. so we celebrate our anniversary on this date; but count it as eleven years because that's how long we have been in a committed monogamous relationship. (simple huh?)

our Holy Union was truly beautiful and simple. we were married in "our" backyard under a huge oak tree just as the sun was setting. our friends/landlords were our witnesses. (at the time we were renting this huge guest cottage in this couple's backyard. it's pretty impossible - for me at least - to live in someone's yard and your lives not get entwined ... which is both blessing and curse.) Diane even got us a wedding present and provided a small reception.

<pictures to be scanned and inserted right about here>

i joke that we have been together for 70 years in "Gay Years". (get it? like dog years? cuz gay relationships have such a short lifespan like dogs? oh good. i thought i was going to have draw my sister a diagram...) it's a joke but it's very true. relationships are hard work, especially when you are emotionally/financially/sexually bound to another person for life. it is especially hard for gay relationships (and by that i'm including lesbians because i've never understood why we need to distinguish). 

"but why?" you ask. (even if you didn't i'm going to pretend you did.) because gay relationships are not formally acknowledged -- not by the state, not by the community, and rarely by family. even my family, who is wonderful and loving and very supportive, dismisses me as a drama queen whenever i bemoan our lack of recognition. 

most wives will have framed photos of their husband and family on their desk at work. most husbands will discuss their wives and refer to them as such without a second thought. no one questions a wife's right to inquire at her husband's job about wages, benefits, schedules, etc. how often do most people have to deal with a supervisor timidly ask if an employee will be bringing "anyone" with them to a company event or feel pressured to say no in order to avoid inevitable awkwardness?

but the worst is the lack of support from the community. people have actually suggested that i end my relationship, just because we were having problems, in a tone both dismissive and harassed. people assume that all gay couples have an "open relationship". women who chase after and/or sleep with married men are called "whores" and "homewreckers'. i've had guys  hit on Russ with me right there even when they were completely aware of our relationship. (and trust me i called them "whore" and a few other things.)

my point is that i am very proud of our relationship. we love each other very, very much.   as i said in the beginning, it's not easy -- but we've stuck together. i also want to say THANK YOU to our friends and family. your love and support have helped us to keep going. mostly i want to thank you Russ -- for loving me and taking care of me and sticking with me and fighting when it would be easier to give up and sticking around when it would be easier to go. you are simply The Best.

My Better Half

Life is pretty darn amazing, you know? i'm sitting here watch my sweet husband talk with my Grannie as she eats her dinner. he went to the store and got her fried fish because it's her favorite, heated it in the oven, and plated it. now they're sitting in the sunshine on the back patio "having dinner together." i am appreciating it all through the window (as I much prefer to do when it comes to outside). 

all day today i have been soooooo tired. i've struggled to get work done. i have not picked up, cleaned up, or even showered. i'm blaming it on my allergies but it's quite possible i'm simply worthless. i guess we all have days like today. i wonder how other people manage. i can't imagine how people with kids do it. i guess we all get by on some mixture of ambition, determination, hope, and faith (not necessarily in that order!).

God knows i do. i couldn't do it without Russ and i'm not too proud to admit it. i can't imagine what i'd do without him. i don't ever want to find out. truthfully, i hate to imagine where i'd be without him. when we met i was on the fast track on a short road -- if you know what I mean.  he saved my life. He saved my life by sending him to me. i am truly blessed.


i chose this song for its lyrics. consider: 

You've got a way with me
Somehow you got me to believe
In everything that I could be
I've gotta say-you really got a way 
You've got a way it seems
You gave me faith to find my dreams
You'll never know just what that means
Can't you see... you got a way with me 

It's in the way you want me
It's in the way you hold me
The way you show me just what love's made of
It's in the way we make love 

You've got a way with words
You get me smiling even when it hurts
There's no way to measure what your love is worth
I can't believe the way you get through to me 

the thing is -- take the time to appreciate the people you love. enjoy the time you have with them. you can't know when you might have that time again or even if you ever will. so, here's my tribute to my wonderful husband. i guess I'll go ... *shudder* sit outside.