What You See Is What You Get

Ladies, Ladies! if you are engaged, living together, seriously dating -- whatever! please take a hard look at that man you are planning on spending the rest of your life with. that man, in all his imperfect glory, is all that you can ever hope for. no amount of love or dedication or patience or nagging or time is going to change him, his attitudes, his habits, or his friends. do you hear what i'm telling you?

let me tell you a little story. when Russ and i first started dating, i bowled every week in a gay bowling league. of course, i invited him to come bowl with us. well, he did and there was an open spot for him to bowl with us; but, of course, he did not have a pair of socks with him. so i suggested he take my credit card (wtf?? i know right?) and go across the parking lot to buy some socks.

what i meant was go across the parking lot to the K-Mart and buy a cheap pack of socks for bowling. is that what the bitch did? oh no. he came back with two pair of Polo socks from Parisian's.

hello? this instant was a microcosm of our entire life together. everything i needed to know about our financial life together was encapsulated in that one moment.

Russ and i have now been together for almost 15 years. today he wrote a $20 bad check to the grocery store. let me clarify - he wrote a $20 bad check on an account that is currently $200 overdrawn to buy cigarettes and wine. yet, i have absolutely no right to bitch.

the man i fell in love with, so many years ago, is still the same. he is wonderful, caring, loving, affectionate, and spoils me like no other man ever would. he would also pawn a $250 gold ring to buy a $20 bottle of gin.

so? almost two decades wiser, what's my advice? simply this: love and cherish that man with all your heart. embrace his weaknesses and appreciate his strengths. he has both.

realize that NO relationship (absolutely NO relationship) is perfect. now ask yourself; honestly, would you be better without him? if not then pray, Pray, PRAY that he does the same for you.

smooches all! here's hoping that the worst that ever happens only serves to open your eyes to all the blessings you take for granted every day.

SJ

No, No, They Can't Take That Away From Us

there is nothing i could add to this. except, this does happen -- this still happens -- everyday. no matter how close we get, as long as there are people suffering like Shane has had to suffer because of Tom's family, we have not come far enough.

Chapter 11

today is our anniversary. well, kind of anyway. we first met in January of 2001. Russ gave me my wedding band on or around this date in 2001. and, on this date in 2004 we had our Holy Union, a commitment ceremony officiated by Pastor Jo Cristo of Holy Cross MCC. so we celebrate our anniversary on this date; but count it as eleven years because that's how long we have been in a committed monogamous relationship. (simple huh?)

our Holy Union was truly beautiful and simple. we were married in "our" backyard under a huge oak tree just as the sun was setting. our friends/landlords were our witnesses. (at the time we were renting this huge guest cottage in this couple's backyard. it's pretty impossible - for me at least - to live in someone's yard and your lives not get entwined ... which is both blessing and curse.) Diane even got us a wedding present and provided a small reception.

<pictures to be scanned and inserted right about here>

i joke that we have been together for 70 years in "Gay Years". (get it? like dog years? cuz gay relationships have such a short lifespan like dogs? oh good. i thought i was going to have draw my sister a diagram...) it's a joke but it's very true. relationships are hard work, especially when you are emotionally/financially/sexually bound to another person for life. it is especially hard for gay relationships (and by that i'm including lesbians because i've never understood why we need to distinguish). 

"but why?" you ask. (even if you didn't i'm going to pretend you did.) because gay relationships are not formally acknowledged -- not by the state, not by the community, and rarely by family. even my family, who is wonderful and loving and very supportive, dismisses me as a drama queen whenever i bemoan our lack of recognition. 

most wives will have framed photos of their husband and family on their desk at work. most husbands will discuss their wives and refer to them as such without a second thought. no one questions a wife's right to inquire at her husband's job about wages, benefits, schedules, etc. how often do most people have to deal with a supervisor timidly ask if an employee will be bringing "anyone" with them to a company event or feel pressured to say no in order to avoid inevitable awkwardness?

but the worst is the lack of support from the community. people have actually suggested that i end my relationship, just because we were having problems, in a tone both dismissive and harassed. people assume that all gay couples have an "open relationship". women who chase after and/or sleep with married men are called "whores" and "homewreckers'. i've had guys  hit on Russ with me right there even when they were completely aware of our relationship. (and trust me i called them "whore" and a few other things.)

my point is that i am very proud of our relationship. we love each other very, very much.   as i said in the beginning, it's not easy -- but we've stuck together. i also want to say THANK YOU to our friends and family. your love and support have helped us to keep going. mostly i want to thank you Russ -- for loving me and taking care of me and sticking with me and fighting when it would be easier to give up and sticking around when it would be easier to go. you are simply The Best.

In The Beginning

got to thinking that before i jump in to everything that's going on in our general day-to-day i could share the story of how it all began. it's one of my favorite stories so i really don't mind telling it.

Russ and i had been dating for about three months and were sitting in a Waffle House, having just checked out of some cheap hotel. he was saying what a pain it was to get a hotel room every weekend and how he hated not being able to see me more during the week. i was nodding. (truth is i was eating -- people never discuss anything with me while i'm eating you'd like me to remember later. at least half my brain is somewhere smiling up at the sun.) he suggested we move in together. i put down my fork.

i put on my Serious Face. "i don't do that. i don't 'live' with somebody. i've never moved in with somebody because, since we can't actually get married, that's the closest i'll ever get. when i do, that's what it'll mean to me -- it'll be like getting married." he just smiled and said, "i'm cool with that."

let me try to describe how i felt at that moment, with him looking at me with those pretty green eyes and saying to me -- without actually saying to me i'll just mention -- that he wants to marry me. dumbstruck is accurate. mind spinning in fast circles like a car out of control after being blindsided in an intersection kinda covers it. i don't know how long i waited before agreeing. i knew then i was going to, but it was all so sudden and wonderful that i had a hard time wrapping my mind around it.

we'd been living together for about three weeks when he made it official. he came in one Saturday morning after disappearing before breakfast. "i hope you don't get mad but i've done something you told me not to." now, you can just imagine the can of worms that opened in my mind less than a month into our relationship. he came into the bedroom with his hands behind his back. i looked at him, "i'm not promising anything."

he held his hands out to me. he had bought a set of plain gold wedding bands. (see, he'd said he wanted to buy me a ring and i'd said no because i was imagining a diamond ring set in emeralds. anybody who knows me could tell you i'm always Princess Ariel in my head.) of course, big tears pooled up in my eyes and for probably the first time in my life the smart ass in my head had gone silent. he put one on and then slipped the other on my finger, "i just want everyone to know that you're mine."

that's my Russie. he's five star restaurant food at Sunday dinner and cocktails on the porch as the sun goes down. if God had asked me what i wanted i would have gone on and on for hours -- and i'd have been totally wrong. (and that's why He never does ;-) i had dreams of candlelight and lobster, museum galas in tuxedos and theater weekends in New York. i got nine o'clock bedtimes and falling asleep with my head on his chest. but, take a look at pictures of us. do i look unhappy to you?

A Love Story

Hello and Welcome!

This is me.

I'm 43, struggling with my weight (well, not struggling really... i let it win), and trying to turn Work I Enjoy into a lucrative career. 

This is my baby.

His name is Russ. He's the greatest. We have been together for over 10 years now. It hasn't always been easy. Hell, i don't think it's ever been "easy". But we love each other and we try to hang in there -- no matter what life throws at us.

And, well, this is old.

This is a picture of us from about, oh... 5 years ago. It's probably my favorite. This is us "partying" on New Year's Eve. This is exactly the kind of wild, extremely fabulous, gay life we lead.

OK. So here's the deal. I was reading this great blog article and the author was discussing gay "rights" and the progress on gay marriage. He was saying (i'm just going to admit right here that i don't remember where i read this. don't hate. if you know, please give props and a link in the comments!) that the progress we've made is a result of increased visibility. By stepping out and showing people that we are ordinary people living ordinary lives who happen to be homosexual, we change perceptions. He encouraged everyone (again, kicking myself that i can't properly attribute here...) to share their stories. i thought that brilliant.

So, here's Ours. i will attempt (no promises!) to be diligent and share with any and all who might be interested our boring, mundane (but ever so dramatic) lives as we struggle with money and family and weight ... (sound at all familiar?). i will attempt to be entertaining but unflinchingly honest. 

i am not always pretty and i am not always right. i'm not ashamed to admit it. Everyone who reads this should always remember this is Our Story. i am not shooting a documentary or writing an article. This will be where i tell the story of us ... even as it is being written.

Love is... the journey. Enjoy the trip.