Chapter 11

today is our anniversary. well, kind of anyway. we first met in January of 2001. Russ gave me my wedding band on or around this date in 2001. and, on this date in 2004 we had our Holy Union, a commitment ceremony officiated by Pastor Jo Cristo of Holy Cross MCC. so we celebrate our anniversary on this date; but count it as eleven years because that's how long we have been in a committed monogamous relationship. (simple huh?)

our Holy Union was truly beautiful and simple. we were married in "our" backyard under a huge oak tree just as the sun was setting. our friends/landlords were our witnesses. (at the time we were renting this huge guest cottage in this couple's backyard. it's pretty impossible - for me at least - to live in someone's yard and your lives not get entwined ... which is both blessing and curse.) Diane even got us a wedding present and provided a small reception.

<pictures to be scanned and inserted right about here>

i joke that we have been together for 70 years in "Gay Years". (get it? like dog years? cuz gay relationships have such a short lifespan like dogs? oh good. i thought i was going to have draw my sister a diagram...) it's a joke but it's very true. relationships are hard work, especially when you are emotionally/financially/sexually bound to another person for life. it is especially hard for gay relationships (and by that i'm including lesbians because i've never understood why we need to distinguish). 

"but why?" you ask. (even if you didn't i'm going to pretend you did.) because gay relationships are not formally acknowledged -- not by the state, not by the community, and rarely by family. even my family, who is wonderful and loving and very supportive, dismisses me as a drama queen whenever i bemoan our lack of recognition. 

most wives will have framed photos of their husband and family on their desk at work. most husbands will discuss their wives and refer to them as such without a second thought. no one questions a wife's right to inquire at her husband's job about wages, benefits, schedules, etc. how often do most people have to deal with a supervisor timidly ask if an employee will be bringing "anyone" with them to a company event or feel pressured to say no in order to avoid inevitable awkwardness?

but the worst is the lack of support from the community. people have actually suggested that i end my relationship, just because we were having problems, in a tone both dismissive and harassed. people assume that all gay couples have an "open relationship". women who chase after and/or sleep with married men are called "whores" and "homewreckers'. i've had guys  hit on Russ with me right there even when they were completely aware of our relationship. (and trust me i called them "whore" and a few other things.)

my point is that i am very proud of our relationship. we love each other very, very much.   as i said in the beginning, it's not easy -- but we've stuck together. i also want to say THANK YOU to our friends and family. your love and support have helped us to keep going. mostly i want to thank you Russ -- for loving me and taking care of me and sticking with me and fighting when it would be easier to give up and sticking around when it would be easier to go. you are simply The Best.